Assistant Regional ManagerDunder Mifflin Paper Company, Inc. New York, NY Branch | "Limitless Paper in a Paperless World"
Job Title:
Assistant (to the) Regional Manager Reports To: Michael Scott, Regional Manager (Pending Corporate Approval)
Job Summary:
Are you a motivated self-starter with a passion for paper and a tolerance for absurd workplace antics? Dunder Mifflin New York is seeking an Assistant Regional Manager to support branch operations, boost sales morale, and occasionally mediate disputes between Dwight and Jim.
Key Responsibilities:
Sales Support: Help the team hit quarterly quotas by pretending to care about three-ply stock and recycled linen paper. Conflict Resolution: Break up stapler-in-Jell-O incidents and occasionally remind Dwight he is not, in fact, the Regional Manager. Customer Relations: Explain to clients why their order is late ("Uh, warehouse issues?") with a smile. Meeting Leadership: Run pretend meetings when Michael is "busy" (napping in his office). Creative Problem-Solving: Find new ways to hide the fact that the branch is technically failing.
Qualifications: Required: High school diploma (or GED—we're not picky).
Preferred: 2+ years in sales, customer service, or surviving a toxic work environment.
Skills:
Basic Excel, PowerPoint, and the ability to keep a straight face when Michael says "That's what she said."
Bonus: Experience with pretzel day logistics or beet farming (ask Dwight).
Perks & Benefits:
Salary: "Competitive" (but let's be real, it's mediocre). Culture: Free pretzel day, Dundie Awards, and occasional HR investigations. Parking: LOL—good luck in NYC. Growth: "Unlimited potential!" (Note: Promotions may or may not be fictional. See: Jim's "Co-Manager" era.)
How to Apply:
Send your resume to Toby Flenderson at: toby.hr@dundermifflin.com (He won't respond—he's in Costa Rica.) OR Just show up to the office and challenge Dwight to a duel. If you survive, the job is yours. Dunder Mifflin is an equal-opportunity employer.
